"x, Leonard left me and is staying with his whore girlfriend." Leonard was the lead guitarist in my old band. His wife and I became friends recently. she sounded so angry over the phone. I offered support and sympathy. I have nothing else to offer. At the same time I remember how horribly she treated him. How she talked to him. The lack of trust and the way she made him feel inadequate. The shrill screaming during practices and her ability to make him feel inferior...for over twelve years. Don't get me wrong, the man has a Peter Pan complex and fails miserably at being an adult...so i guess it was bound to happen. Of course she has no idea of my indiscretions and I'm not giving up that information. I haven't talked to her much lately. I send her reiki on occasion and hope she heals. It makes me think of the past and I'm not really proud of it. Although it was something that needed to happen. I've realized that there are still two people I haven't forgiven, my ex-husband and myself. There are so many things that I resent him for,to this very day. Things he took from me when I wasn't willing and the way he made me feel guilty about it. It wasn't just sex. It was everything. He took and took and took until I was an empty, vindictive husk. A shell. A vessel that was so desperate to be filled from anyone that would show me kindness.
It will come eventually. Forgiveness always does. *** My children are at grandma's and I have a full night and day to myself. It's my early mother's day gift. I'm soaking in the aloneness but I feel the deep melancholy setting in. Maybe I just need to sleep. I feel so stretched and lifeless. I am giving and giving and my coffers are in the negative. That is something I need to fix if I'm going to be happy. My husband and babies need a happy healthy mama.