I’ve been pretty exhausted lately and I think I’m coming down with the nasty flu thing Mike had this past week. I just pray that my baby doesn't get sick too. She hasn’t been herself for the past week or so. Normally I get up with her, feed her and rock her to sleep every three hours like clock-work but lately she’s been fussy and gassy. Is it something I’m eating? I have been hitting the veggies a lot lately but I didn’t think that the food I ate really affected her that much. Are there things I’m supposed to avoid other then alcohol and caffeine? I’m so clueless. The last couple of nights she’s been up from 7pm to 1am. She’s usually crying the entire time and I feel so helpless because there is nothing that calms her. I thought it might be colic but my mother-in-law is pretty sure that’s not what it is. “Colic babies are never happy and this is the happiest baby I’ve ever seen.” She is pretty happy and pleasant most of the time. She’s an amazing child. She’s been able to hold up her head up (for only 10 seconds or so) since week 2 and has been smiling at us since last Monday. She’s incredibly strong and if she doesn’t like the way I’m holding her, will thrash around in my arms until I get her into a position a little more suitable. Although I swear I have suction cups for hands. As soon as I get my hands on my baby, there’s no way she’s falling. It scares the shit out of Mike but it’s just experience. I think I could probably count the times Mike has held Olivia on two hands. Ok, maybe he’s held her more but he’s not exactly a hands-on kind of dad. Well that’s starting to change. I had a complete breakdown yesterday and I explained to him how I feel like I’m doing this whole thing on my own. He held my hand and wiped my tears and then put me to bed. After my nap he sent Olivia to Grandma’s for the afternoon and I tried to get myself back together. The depression thing isn’t helping things but it comes and goes so I’m not too concerned yet. Last night, around midnight or so, I had to put the baby down in her crib to let her cry because I was at the end of my rope. Mike got up to see what the commotion was about and watched as I made my way to the garage. I wanted to get in my car and drive away and never come back; at least for a couple of seconds. Little Bo made the most devastatingly sad sound as I slammed the door behind me. Mike took the baby out of her crib and tried to soothe her while I sobbed outside. When I came back in I realized that I’m just not cut out to be a mom. “I can’t do this. I’m a horrible mother.” “No, Honey. You are an incredible mother. You’re just tired and sick and need to sleep. I’ll stay up with the baby. Go to bed.” That was probably the third or fourth time in the past three weeks that he stayed up with her. The 4 and 6 o’clock feedings went smoothly and I was even able to get a 20 minute nap in today. I’m hoping Olivia has a good night tonight. Because Mike’s running karaoke and it’s just going to be me and the dog. Have I told you how good of a little nanny my puppy is? I’ll tell you about it later. Got to feed the baby. X-out