I�ve been pretty exhausted lately and I think I�m coming down with the nasty flu thing Mike had this past week. I just pray that my baby doesn't get sick too. She hasn�t been herself for the past week or so. Normally I get up with her, feed her and rock her to sleep every three hours like clock-work but lately she�s been fussy and gassy. Is it something I�m eating? I have been hitting the veggies a lot lately but I didn�t think that the food I ate really affected her that much. Are there things I�m supposed to avoid other then alcohol and caffeine? I�m so clueless. The last couple of nights she�s been up from 7pm to 1am. She�s usually crying the entire time and I feel so helpless because there is nothing that calms her. I thought it might be colic but my mother-in-law is pretty sure that�s not what it is. �Colic babies are never happy and this is the happiest baby I�ve ever seen.� She is pretty happy and pleasant most of the time. She�s an amazing child. She�s been able to hold up her head up (for only 10 seconds or so) since week 2 and has been smiling at us since last Monday. She�s incredibly strong and if she doesn�t like the way I�m holding her, will thrash around in my arms until I get her into a position a little more suitable. Although I swear I have suction cups for hands. As soon as I get my hands on my baby, there�s no way she�s falling. It scares the shit out of Mike but it�s just experience. I think I could probably count the times Mike has held Olivia on two hands. Ok, maybe he�s held her more but he�s not exactly a hands-on kind of dad. Well that�s starting to change. I had a complete breakdown yesterday and I explained to him how I feel like I�m doing this whole thing on my own. He held my hand and wiped my tears and then put me to bed. After my nap he sent Olivia to Grandma�s for the afternoon and I tried to get myself back together. The depression thing isn�t helping things but it comes and goes so I�m not too concerned yet. Last night, around midnight or so, I had to put the baby down in her crib to let her cry because I was at the end of my rope. Mike got up to see what the commotion was about and watched as I made my way to the garage. I wanted to get in my car and drive away and never come back; at least for a couple of seconds. Little Bo made the most devastatingly sad sound as I slammed the door behind me. Mike took the baby out of her crib and tried to soothe her while I sobbed outside. When I came back in I realized that I�m just not cut out to be a mom. �I can�t do this. I�m a horrible mother.� �No, Honey. You are an incredible mother. You�re just tired and sick and need to sleep. I�ll stay up with the baby. Go to bed.� That was probably the third or fourth time in the past three weeks that he stayed up with her. The 4 and 6 o�clock feedings went smoothly and I was even able to get a 20 minute nap in today. I�m hoping Olivia has a good night tonight. Because Mike�s running karaoke and it�s just going to be me and the dog. Have I told you how good of a little nanny my puppy is? I�ll tell you about it later. Got to feed the baby. X-out